I am in a love-less relationship. All love and affectiom has been drained because of his loser friends. He does not love me anymore because he cannot see his precious loser friends. The thing is, if he goes out with them, the outcome is the same- except that the resentment will come from my part, much stronger, it will force me to accept that I do not love him, or even like him all that much - I do not like smoking, drunk, weed-smoking, uneducated, swearing thugs. I might have wanted that to satify my 'bad boy' phase, but that phase is well gone. I am just fooling myself sticking around, in denial day in and day out.

I feel the heaviness in my step more than usual today, and it is not surprising. My heart feel like it is weighted down with lead.

It is not that I can not turn things around, if I really wanted to, I don't think that it is worth it. It is like twisting myself into a shape which is so far from what I am, one I don't like and am not happy being. Forcing myself to adapt to an environment which I despise and have absolutley no particular reason to be in. Especially when I have some place else to go.

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It is behavior like this, that makes me look foward to leaving. What i'd give to be with a real gentleman, I have been putting up with the behavior of a thug for too long. I can still remember how it made my heart melt the last time a man stood up as I excused myself to the ladies. Also he is Italian, but he has worked abroad and I supposed has learnt how to be a gentleman. I used to take these things for granted, and like everything else, you only realise how much something matters to you when you no longer have it.

The classic example - one day it was raining cats and dogs, a real torrential rain storm. I had lent my umbrella to my boyfriend to go get the car. He drove the car to the entrance where I was waiting, but in order to get into the car, I would have to get wet as the car could not come right up to the door. I was standing there waiting for him to get out of the car with my umbrella, to come and walk me to the car. Instead he waved and signaled me to walk to the car. I pointed to the sky and waved my hand, signally him to come and get me. This went on for awhile, until he realised I would not budge; then he got out of the car with an annoyed look, as if to say I am spoiled and crazy. He walked me to the car eventually but was obviously not pleased to do it.

I could only smile and shake my head, it was not his fault, I am sure he has never seen anyone do something like that, I am sure all his friends would have done the same. It is just that i am used to another way of behavior, another way of being treated.

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I need to go (back?) to a place where my values would be respected and understood, I am tired of defending them- afterall they shouldn't need defending! I am also tired of being called a 'freak', of being regarded upon as one, I wonder where has my strength gone to raise up and say 'wake up you frogs at the bottom of the well, go and see for yourselves the world outside of this sodded well'. Yet I recoil, my lone voice fading into the crowd's, I hear my voice agreeing just to survive the attack and to have a moment to comfort myself and hope.

i must get my acts together, i must be the superhero now to get myself out of this furnace - no one else can. It will not be easy, but 5 years from now I'd look back and realise how insignificant yet necessary it has been to get myself out of this situation.

My days in Venice are numbered, and the thought of this does not pain me now as it once did. I have had enough of its beauty, its sadness, its wickedness. I have experienced enough. It's time to get back on the track that will lead me somewhere.

Next sunday I would like to go to the Anglican Church in Venice, to pray for strength, the strength to rescue myself out of here and back in a more welcoming place. I will need the strenght and courage to pull the plaster and bear the pain.

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How I long to be understood. It is not realistic - I am too different an animal from any that exists here. How frustrating it makes me to be compared to a desperate brazilian single mother who borrowed a lighter from a poor italian tourist (she doesn't even smoke) just to get him and eventually an Italian passport. She has ZERO in common with me. Zero. For the mercy of God.

Rejection was the last thing I needed. Yet I have become insensitized to the worst, to insults and rejections. They have become such regular occurences. Only in my dreams I long to grasp a few slithers of comfort. Yet they don't come. I live in hope, the hope that tomorrow, maybe tomorrow some comfort will come in some shape or form. And it doesn't, I grind my teeth some more. I hang in there the best I could, surviving on the hope of..

I could have life easy, so easy yet I choose the hard way. I chose it all by myself, I choose to come here, I chose to live I am living. I have only got myself to blame.

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Thought of last night: 'Shame, for that boy gives me butterflies in my stomach. Shame.'

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I wait for the time to come. I wait to get back on track. I wait for the strength to come to let me jump out of this bin.

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The theme continues. I want to be understood. It would be so nice to be understood, completely and without suspicion. It would be so comforting to be told that someone understands, that it is ok, that i am just human. It would be so nice to be just normal, not strange, not foreign, not different, not weird, not suspected. I want to be 'figured out', I wish people would understand and trust that I am quite harmless. I am just someone trying to be a good person, or at least most of the times. I have no intend of any 'cattivaria'.

There is a yearning inside of me, I am sick of feeling all alone, without any ally. I am always the only one defending myself, day in, day out. If once someone happen to tell me that they understand and identify with me, I would be close to tears. It has been too long. Most of the time I swallow it at the back of my throat. I am alone, alone, alone. I once saw a a movie where the girl said that she is the 'loniest girl in the world'. I have been feeling like that. There is no one on my side. Wouldn't it be nice to be told I am ok, just normal, just human. Everythin is going to be just fine. Dare I dream about someone who'd say he'd take care of me, and that is he is someone capable of it.

Wouldn't that be nice.

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I thank God for this new job, it has given me new hope and aspirations. It is not grand or powerful and I don't even have my own desk (I really hope my boss find me a place soon!), but I like it so far and I am happy. I even dream about it.

The objective for this week is to be nice to myself. To put myself first, and everything else second. This means not let things upset me that plays little importance in the long run- things that won't matter at all in five, or even three year's time. It is time to get wiser.

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I do not want this to be my life, it just can't be. I can only tell myself to 'think of this as a reality show' for so long. I don't want to look back when i am on my death bed that I settled for mediocracy, that i wasted my life, that i could have done better. It just came back to me something Antonia said when i first decided to stay with him in Mestre, she had said that she thought i 'could get more ut of life'. How wise she is. It has taken me six months to wake up and realise that she is right. I know i've been blinded by romance ecc. I know i have been missing even the most obvious things.

Each time i hear him say 'it's enough that i make X eur', that he 'had more important things to do like making money to buy a car/ travel etc. than going to university'.. I realise we will never think the same way, agree on the big things in life, that he will drive me up the wall with his complacency. I have to remind myself that I am made for bigger and better things, i have aspirations, i want to strive for excellence, i want to dream because i know i have what it takes to realise it. I don't want to be told that i should be happy enough, i don't need to be complacent. I want to get the best out of life. And i won't be able to do that with him.

My heart will ache, it will miss him, of course, that is what the heart does. I will need my head to take charge for awhile; i need courage, and i will need to have a clear vision of what my path should be.

Here i am sitting at the waiting dock at Accademia, waiting for the 'N TRONCHETTO' vaporetto to pull in, i'd get on, take two stops, get off at San Tomà, to my home in Venice. This has become my nightly ritual, it is the fourth night when he works the night shift, and i have arranged the home-stay accommodation i.e. a single room at someone's home. I have found it hard to justify the logic behind my decision, because there isn't any; he suspected that i did it to be in Venice when he works at night so I will be closer so be able to control what he gets up to. I denied it, of course. Deny, deny, deny. I stuck to the 'i don't feel safe alone in the house' version which is the one i tell everyone as it is the logical one (the one which makes me at least sound somewhat mentally sane, though the truth is far from it!). He suspects it though and asked me if i'd agree subconsciously i basically just want to be in Venice to keep an eye on him. I said 'anything of the subconscience is possible'. Deny, deny, deny.

Yesterday when i had gone and switched off his phone while he was sleeping, and realised what he'd say shen he wakes up and find the phone off (i hate it when his friends call, and i was afraid his bl**dy loser best friend will persuade him to go to that tacky beach. I was going a bit gaga and indulging myself in the fantasy world, i told myself i have two best friends these days: Lia (lie) and D. Nile (denial). It's not because i am insincere, it is just easier to say the right thing to maintain the peace, then to disagree on everything and fight from morning to night without any result.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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All around here are losers, pathetic men who work in this 'disneyland' as they call it. When it's not tourist season, they smoke (and that's not just cigaretts) and drink their lives away. And this is the environment i am finding myself in. I am the tourist who stayed behind, the one who got to see Venice as it truly is.

Advice to tourists worldwide, never get carried away by a holiday romance. Reminds me of what Carrie said to Big in SATC regarding the red wall in his bedroom, 'it is a good idea in theory, but it just doesn't quite work..' It's a bit like that, although i guess in this case, the idea has never been all that good even in theory.

As a usual 'control-freak' it seems to me now that everytime i throw caution to the wind, i get burnt. Or perhaps i just don't calculate the risks very well beforehand.

It is almost midnight. His shift will be over when the night porter arrives. And i will go home with the concierge who i fell for, back to Mestre where most workers live.

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"A Lover or a Mother?"
"Attraction Principle #52"
WHEN YOU NAG, HE TUNES YOU OUT. BUT WHEN YOU SPEAK WITH YOUR ACTIONS, HE PAYS ATTENTION.

"When he takes you for granted, you've triggered the same kind of love he had for his mother, grandmother, or some other woman who raised him. Now you've become 'old faithful'. No matter how much you scream at him, he knows you aren't going anywhere."She may kick my ass, but she'll still love me and I can do whatever I want." And it's this very security blanket that you don't want him to have.

Men know it's wrong, but they'll try to see how far they can push the envelope. As one man said to me "Men will get away with what you let them get away with." That isn't to say there aren't great guys out there. But a man with integrity, or anyone with integrity for that matter, doesn't want somethin they haven't earned. That's why a high-calibre self-respecting guy will be attracted to a woman who won't let someone walk all over her.

If he takes you for granted and you pull back a little with no explanation, it catches him off-guard and gets his attention bigtime. You're no longer acting in a way he is used to and you are no longer his mommy. This action generates desire for you as a lover. But if you posture yourself as 'old faithful', he'll perceive you as his mother and he'll take you for granted.

Failure to get enough attention isn't the only thing women complain about. Often women nag about household chores. Again, you have to condition him without words. Most men don't particularly care if the place doesn't look great or if it's messy. Most guys are happy to come home and plunk down on the couth with the worn out spot and his butt print on it. He doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes from the day before or that his shoes left muddy prints all over the carpet.

...When you started nagging, your behavior began to tell a different story, "i'am affected by every move you make". For this reason and this reason alone, nagging rewards him. Not because he enjoys it, but because it reassures him you care.

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I wanted to say nothing, keep it all to myself. And not pick up calls, basically play dead. I kept my hands busy so as not to be tempted to pick up the phone. I couldn't resist in the end. I got the blackberry and started typing: "forgive me for what I am about to write....." 2 minutes later, the phone rang. The next 4 hours was tears, desperation, threats, self-pity, self devaluation, more tears, more hopelessness". My kitchen table was filled with tears-soaked tissues. I had not eaten either, so was feeling faint. We agreed on a time-out, while he watched the match and I made myself a cup of tea.

When he called again, his loser drug-dealer friend was at his place AGAIN. Oh, by the way, apparently he doesn't deal anymore- not because he gained a conscience, but because my guy gave it up, and he is too chicken to do it all by himself. He was recently on holiday in Thailand, I was sincerely prayed that he'd get caught with possession and get put away. Millions of youth in Venice/ Mestre would be saved from a life of drugs dependence and instead go to uni and perhaps make something of their lifes. Anyway, no, he didn't get caught, perhaps the divine power has something else in store for him.

Anyway, as soon as I started to explain what I think about his friends, he got all defensive and started yelling that he won't change his friends for me and they are such wonderful people who are always there to help him. I asked for an example, he said if he was sick they will take him to the hospital. I hated to remind him that when he snapped his back in January, it was his mom and dad who had to come everyday and drove him around to physio, hospital, pharmacies etc. There was zero sign of his fairweather friends. Ditto when we moved, it was his mom and dad who helped out and did so much to help him. Friends, schfriends i say. He is obviously deluded and gets defensive when somebody wants to point out the truth. The only time his friends are there for him is when they are playing cards, playstation and smoking weed.

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It was something so simple, so stupid. Well, it is always the small things that does it, right? All he had to do was to get a simple, normal phone to plug into the landline, but no, he had to get the Skype-enabled phone (it's not like he has friends and relatives abroad- all this friends and relatives live within a 10 minutes radius of his house). The only person who has any chance of being abroad he knows is me, and I am going back. Ok, I understand that he is easily overwhelmed by technology, I suppose he could be addicted to the high/ the sense of achievement it gives him when he manages to make a new piece of technology work. Perhaps it is the italian macho thing, or the desire to reject the stigma that the majority of Italians are ever so slightly backwards on the technological front? Or maybe it is a bit like the kid who choose the toy with the more gadgets?

The only problem is, the kid did not manage to work the new toy, which is fine, but he got his brainless friend to 'help', and the end result is no phone and on top of that they mucked up the internet connection. So now there is no phone AND no internet. The whole reason of getting the landline phone in the first place was because his mobile has next to zero reception in his house. So when there is no mobile reception, there is no way of getting through. Now there will be no calls, no sms, no email. Nada.

The core of the problem is, when he does things like that, I can't help but think he is stupid, and if any of his friends has anything to do with it, it gets on my nerves by tenfold they are all stupid, joint-smoking losers. This is why I know now i am making a mistake going back, but it is too late now. I would have no problem forfeiting the cost of the fligh; but to raise the hopes of his parents only to crash them down afterwards. I cannot do that. I just can't.

What to do now? He can tell I am not amused over the phone, I didn't want to call, I knew I won't able to hide the displeasure in my voice. He said I am angry, but it is so much more complicated. He thinks I am jealous of his friends, but it is the influence they have on him that I fear. It has taken so much effort to get him to stop smoking cigarettes, smoking & dealing weed, all the other shady habits that he has picked up from his friends since age 15. I see him an inch away from being lured/ pressured back into all of the above. Yes, am in denial about the fact that we all know we can tell everything about a person by who their friends are. I am so heading down the wrong road. I need to find a way to make a U-turn out of this, fast, before he sweets talk me back into the idea that things might just work out fine.

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