Today is a less good day. I don't want to admit it but it is. The high from yesterday afternoon's visit of the film crew has faded, the while event seems like a distant memory of another lifetime. Today I am back in reality, the full, black reality that is my current situation. I need to get out, it is now beyond the writings on the wall, there is an speaker broadcasting loudly 'get out! get out!' overhead.
I am in a love-less relationship. All love and affectiom has been drained because of his loser friends. He does not love me anymore because he cannot see his precious loser friends. The thing is, if he goes out with them, the outcome is the same- except that the resentment will come from my part, much stronger, it will force me to accept that I do not love him, or even like him all that much - I do not like smoking, drunk, weed-smoking, uneducated, swearing thugs. I might have wanted that to satify my 'bad boy' phase, but that phase is well gone. I am just fooling myself sticking around, in denial day in and day out.
I feel the heaviness in my step more than usual today, and it is not surprising. My heart feel like it is weighted down with lead.
It is not that I can not turn things around, if I really wanted to, I don't think that it is worth it. It is like twisting myself into a shape which is so far from what I am, one I don't like and am not happy being. Forcing myself to adapt to an environment which I despise and have absolutley no particular reason to be in. Especially when I have some place else to go.