It is official, I have been here for one year. And it is increasingly obvious that it is time to admit defeat, and go. I would never have been able to live the life I dream of here, not even the life where I'd find bearable. I have cried too many tears, felt desperation too often, scream in my head far too loud and the bottle bursted too many times. My sanity is somewhat still intact, though i lament what has become of me. I was once a very different girl, now I am just a fraction of what I used to be on a good day. This life has reduced me to a creation so pathetic I am ashamed even to call my friends or family. It was afterall my 'throw caution to the wind', 'go with my heart' decision. Now I know I will most probably never throw caution to the wind ever again in my life. Spontaneity has ceased to exist and forever condemned.

I need to go (back?) to a place where my values would be respected and understood, I am tired of defending them- afterall they shouldn't need defending! I am also tired of being called a 'freak', of being regarded upon as one, I wonder where has my strength gone to raise up and say 'wake up you frogs at the bottom of the well, go and see for yourselves the world outside of this sodded well'. Yet I recoil, my lone voice fading into the crowd's, I hear my voice agreeing just to survive the attack and to have a moment to comfort myself and hope.

i must get my acts together, i must be the superhero now to get myself out of this furnace - no one else can. It will not be easy, but 5 years from now I'd look back and realise how insignificant yet necessary it has been to get myself out of this situation.

My days in Venice are numbered, and the thought of this does not pain me now as it once did. I have had enough of its beauty, its sadness, its wickedness. I have experienced enough. It's time to get back on the track that will lead me somewhere.

Next sunday I would like to go to the Anglican Church in Venice, to pray for strength, the strength to rescue myself out of here and back in a more welcoming place. I will need the strenght and courage to pull the plaster and bear the pain.