They think i am strange, they think i am too shiny, annoying and sharp. They all despise me here, strange, unlike the other pieces of trash here in the big smelly bin. I try to understand why they don't like me, then i realise it is because I am different. In order to blend in I have lost alot of my briliance, and I stay down in the bottom.I try not to be heard, seen, cause any reactions. Yet i miss the life I once had, on a purple velvet display cabinet, immaculate, pristine, people come and admire me, say nice things about me, desire me. Here I m trying not to forget what I could have been somewhere else, if only I manage to get out of this bin. I am holding on my ideas and my values, of the essence of me and not let the environment break them down, at least not all of them.

I wait for the time to come. I wait to get back on track. I wait for the strength to come to let me jump out of this bin.

I just let out a big, deep sigh. I had to. I needed it.

The theme continues. I want to be understood. It would be so nice to be understood, completely and without suspicion. It would be so comforting to be told that someone understands, that it is ok, that i am just human. It would be so nice to be just normal, not strange, not foreign, not different, not weird, not suspected. I want to be 'figured out', I wish people would understand and trust that I am quite harmless. I am just someone trying to be a good person, or at least most of the times. I have no intend of any 'cattivaria'.

There is a yearning inside of me, I am sick of feeling all alone, without any ally. I am always the only one defending myself, day in, day out. If once someone happen to tell me that they understand and identify with me, I would be close to tears. It has been too long. Most of the time I swallow it at the back of my throat. I am alone, alone, alone. I once saw a a movie where the girl said that she is the 'loniest girl in the world'. I have been feeling like that. There is no one on my side. Wouldn't it be nice to be told I am ok, just normal, just human. Everythin is going to be just fine. Dare I dream about someone who'd say he'd take care of me, and that is he is someone capable of it.

Wouldn't that be nice.

These days the only thing that keeps me going is my job. For the past 3 weeks I have had one gigantic evil mouth ulcer after another, rendering my life almost unbearable. I could not speak, eat and when I try to do these things I am either in agony or look ridiculous, usually both. Today is the first day that I am no longer haunted by the curse of the mouth ulcers. Anyhow F and I had another fight (more like part deux of the one started yesterday), but I am no longer the pathetic, spineless, self-harming girl who surrender and begs for mercy, this time I stood my ground and refused to comply, I refused to loose perspective, I protected me and told myself I have the right to be me, however bad and evil and immature he thinks I am. I want to be me and I do not want to change anymore than I already have. I need to retain some of me, already I am in this foreign environment. I refuse to loose myself and be someone else just because someone else thinks I should. I have regained my presence of mind.

I thank God for this new job, it has given me new hope and aspirations. It is not grand or powerful and I don't even have my own desk (I really hope my boss find me a place soon!), but I like it so far and I am happy. I even dream about it.

The objective for this week is to be nice to myself. To put myself first, and everything else second. This means not let things upset me that plays little importance in the long run- things that won't matter at all in five, or even three year's time. It is time to get wiser.