356 days in Venice

I am now at the hotel where it all started. I feel like a fool. I'd never had never imagined it to turn out like this. The romance is dead, every last shred of it.

All around here are losers, pathetic men who work in this 'disneyland' as they call it. When it's not tourist season, they smoke (and that's not just cigaretts) and drink their lives away. And this is the environment i am finding myself in. I am the tourist who stayed behind, the one who got to see Venice as it truly is.

Advice to tourists worldwide, never get carried away by a holiday romance. Reminds me of what Carrie said to Big in SATC regarding the red wall in his bedroom, 'it is a good idea in theory, but it just doesn't quite work..' It's a bit like that, although i guess in this case, the idea has never been all that good even in theory.

As a usual 'control-freak' it seems to me now that everytime i throw caution to the wind, i get burnt. Or perhaps i just don't calculate the risks very well beforehand.

It is almost midnight. His shift will be over when the night porter arrives. And i will go home with the concierge who i fell for, back to Mestre where most workers live.

There was a time when I regarded this book as 'the bible'. I sent my mom and 2 best friends copies of this book. Anyway it has been years since I refered to the highlighted, tabbed pages.. and I have forgot most of what it is all about. I am back to that weak and insecure 'doormat' again, so it is time for a little refresher, and i quote:

"A Lover or a Mother?"
"Attraction Principle #52"
WHEN YOU NAG, HE TUNES YOU OUT. BUT WHEN YOU SPEAK WITH YOUR ACTIONS, HE PAYS ATTENTION.

"When he takes you for granted, you've triggered the same kind of love he had for his mother, grandmother, or some other woman who raised him. Now you've become 'old faithful'. No matter how much you scream at him, he knows you aren't going anywhere."She may kick my ass, but she'll still love me and I can do whatever I want." And it's this very security blanket that you don't want him to have.

Men know it's wrong, but they'll try to see how far they can push the envelope. As one man said to me "Men will get away with what you let them get away with." That isn't to say there aren't great guys out there. But a man with integrity, or anyone with integrity for that matter, doesn't want somethin they haven't earned. That's why a high-calibre self-respecting guy will be attracted to a woman who won't let someone walk all over her.

If he takes you for granted and you pull back a little with no explanation, it catches him off-guard and gets his attention bigtime. You're no longer acting in a way he is used to and you are no longer his mommy. This action generates desire for you as a lover. But if you posture yourself as 'old faithful', he'll perceive you as his mother and he'll take you for granted.

Failure to get enough attention isn't the only thing women complain about. Often women nag about household chores. Again, you have to condition him without words. Most men don't particularly care if the place doesn't look great or if it's messy. Most guys are happy to come home and plunk down on the couth with the worn out spot and his butt print on it. He doesn't care if the sink is full of dishes from the day before or that his shoes left muddy prints all over the carpet.

...When you started nagging, your behavior began to tell a different story, "i'am affected by every move you make". For this reason and this reason alone, nagging rewards him. Not because he enjoys it, but because it reassures him you care.

I cried myself to sleep till 5am. I stayed in bed till 13:25 today, unwilling to face the day. I got my backside out of bed in the end, willed myself to go through the motions to face the day, with deliberate effort. I had a thousand thoughts in my head, though they all say pretty much the same thing "it's not gonna work", "f_*k", "what am I gonna do now?" "I detest his weed-smoking, complacent, loser friends". I mean, 35 year old men playing playstation as a daily pass-time (these guys all work 6 hour shifts a day in hotels, water-taxi drivers, airport luggage handlers, port worker/ weed supplier thanks to access to supply from ships from North Africa) which leaves quite alot of time on their hands), but is that normal? Isn't it a bit immature/ pathetic? Ok, I hate to judge but.. what is the general consensus out there???

I wanted to say nothing, keep it all to myself. And not pick up calls, basically play dead. I kept my hands busy so as not to be tempted to pick up the phone. I couldn't resist in the end. I got the blackberry and started typing: "forgive me for what I am about to write....." 2 minutes later, the phone rang. The next 4 hours was tears, desperation, threats, self-pity, self devaluation, more tears, more hopelessness". My kitchen table was filled with tears-soaked tissues. I had not eaten either, so was feeling faint. We agreed on a time-out, while he watched the match and I made myself a cup of tea.

When he called again, his loser drug-dealer friend was at his place AGAIN. Oh, by the way, apparently he doesn't deal anymore- not because he gained a conscience, but because my guy gave it up, and he is too chicken to do it all by himself. He was recently on holiday in Thailand, I was sincerely prayed that he'd get caught with possession and get put away. Millions of youth in Venice/ Mestre would be saved from a life of drugs dependence and instead go to uni and perhaps make something of their lifes. Anyway, no, he didn't get caught, perhaps the divine power has something else in store for him.

Anyway, as soon as I started to explain what I think about his friends, he got all defensive and started yelling that he won't change his friends for me and they are such wonderful people who are always there to help him. I asked for an example, he said if he was sick they will take him to the hospital. I hated to remind him that when he snapped his back in January, it was his mom and dad who had to come everyday and drove him around to physio, hospital, pharmacies etc. There was zero sign of his fairweather friends. Ditto when we moved, it was his mom and dad who helped out and did so much to help him. Friends, schfriends i say. He is obviously deluded and gets defensive when somebody wants to point out the truth. The only time his friends are there for him is when they are playing cards, playstation and smoking weed.

After spending 180 days in Venice, after the teary return to London last Friday, after the decision to go back after I talk myself into believing I haven't given it a fair chance, that I did not do all I could have done to make things work in Venice; when I know deep down am just being nice to myself, sparing me of the pain of another break-up, for now, delaying it till another few months down the line. It's denial, I know, and tonight I came to the realization that what a bad decision I have made. In fact I kept repeating to myself outloud for one minute 'i am so f_*ked' followed by 'what am i going to do?' When it was only today, after days of reflection (and procrastination) that I bought the plane ticket back to Venice, that I emailed his mother to let her know the 'good news', then she sent back an email reply bursting with joy between the lines. You have got to believe in Sod's Law.

It was something so simple, so stupid. Well, it is always the small things that does it, right? All he had to do was to get a simple, normal phone to plug into the landline, but no, he had to get the Skype-enabled phone (it's not like he has friends and relatives abroad- all this friends and relatives live within a 10 minutes radius of his house). The only person who has any chance of being abroad he knows is me, and I am going back. Ok, I understand that he is easily overwhelmed by technology, I suppose he could be addicted to the high/ the sense of achievement it gives him when he manages to make a new piece of technology work. Perhaps it is the italian macho thing, or the desire to reject the stigma that the majority of Italians are ever so slightly backwards on the technological front? Or maybe it is a bit like the kid who choose the toy with the more gadgets?

The only problem is, the kid did not manage to work the new toy, which is fine, but he got his brainless friend to 'help', and the end result is no phone and on top of that they mucked up the internet connection. So now there is no phone AND no internet. The whole reason of getting the landline phone in the first place was because his mobile has next to zero reception in his house. So when there is no mobile reception, there is no way of getting through. Now there will be no calls, no sms, no email. Nada.

The core of the problem is, when he does things like that, I can't help but think he is stupid, and if any of his friends has anything to do with it, it gets on my nerves by tenfold they are all stupid, joint-smoking losers. This is why I know now i am making a mistake going back, but it is too late now. I would have no problem forfeiting the cost of the fligh; but to raise the hopes of his parents only to crash them down afterwards. I cannot do that. I just can't.

What to do now? He can tell I am not amused over the phone, I didn't want to call, I knew I won't able to hide the displeasure in my voice. He said I am angry, but it is so much more complicated. He thinks I am jealous of his friends, but it is the influence they have on him that I fear. It has taken so much effort to get him to stop smoking cigarettes, smoking & dealing weed, all the other shady habits that he has picked up from his friends since age 15. I see him an inch away from being lured/ pressured back into all of the above. Yes, am in denial about the fact that we all know we can tell everything about a person by who their friends are. I am so heading down the wrong road. I need to find a way to make a U-turn out of this, fast, before he sweets talk me back into the idea that things might just work out fine.